*Gifts

You love to use gifts to bribe or retaliate depending on what you are or aren’t getting from us. It has been shocking to see you throw fits and refuse to give gifts/withhold gifts if we’re not seeing you/doing precisely what you want us to do. Grandparents usually don’t need ANY attention when giving gifts because it comes from their heart. As J. told you, we (meaning ALL 4 of us) DO NOT want any gifts from you if there are strings attached and/or if you’re only giving them to get your way. It’s apparent that has been your intention through the years. I have noticed you DO retaliate if you don’t get your way and only “lavish” us with gifts if you DO get your way. I have noticed when it is at your house, you take more time and ask us what we want. I don’t care either way because I do not expect gifts from anyone, BUT you are doing these things ON PURPOSE. Getting mad and retaliating toward me when you don’t get to host is genuinely mean. I have only hosted two Christmases, and you have hosted way more, but of course, you would throw a tantrum. We will NOT play into ANY of your games, and you know that, too. It doesn’t matter, though, because you continue to push things and expect them to go in your “favor.” O. does not ask if you have withheld any gifts. You once texted Jeremy, “Does O. know the reason she hasn’t received gifts is not our fault?” UM wow. She DOES NOT think about those things or ask because we have taught our kids that it is NEVER about gifts. It is about enjoying time together and being happy with what we have. They have already been blessed with SO MUCH that they do not need/want/expect more from anyone else. So it does not hurt us when you withhold gifts. That text blaming J. and me because you claimed it was our “fault” O. (what about C.?) hadn’t received gifts wasn’t truthful either. It is all YOUR fault because we gave you many chances to drop off the gifts that year. Every time we would tell you a time, you would agree, but then the day would come, and you would make an excuse to try and get us to your house. You wanted to so desperately get us to your house by saying, “If you want the gifts, you HAVE to come to us.” Then we don’t want your gifts because, again, if there are stipulations or we HAVE to work for or owe you, we do not want them. You would have been happy with any time if it was TRULY about seeing us. You would gladly come to OUR house for a SHORT visit to give the gifts. It isn’t about that, though. It is only about you and YOUR house.

Another thing you’ve done for years (when it comes to feeling entitled to see O. whenever you want) is holding back a gift or two (or even three) to use it for another visit. You also make up gifts or use any holiday to throw things together and use the excuse you “need” to drop off a gift. If we saw you at Christmas, you would hold gifts back and then use them later to come over for separate visits. If you had three gifts, you’d expect three individual visits. You would wait for the time YOU chose and tell J. you had a gift you wanted to drop by. One year, you had three puzzles wrapped separately in Christmas paper that you didn’t give until starting the new year, and you used three different visits. In April 2019, you came UNANNOUNCED at almost 8pm and decided that was when you would give O. one Birthday present you had held back. You saw how upset I was because, yet again, you felt entitled to come over whenever you felt like it. That unannounced visit made me so upset that I decided O. and I were going to take a massive break from allowing you around because you kept ignoring our boundaries. I’d been backing off little by little since October 2016 because of how you have treated me, but 2019 was the year I was completely done with you stepping all over me. I needed a huge break. You refuse to respect us and refuse to change your behaviors, so that is why I have NOW decided my kids and I would completely step away.

Just because you decided to have your kids over at the grandparents’ house every weekend does NOT mean we want the same. We NEED our own time. We NEED space to make our own memories and traditions. We have NEVER needed “a village” to raise our kids. We chose to have them, which means they’re our responsibility alone. I am a SAHM and have never needed help watching my kids like you expected. I think that is one big reason you have TRIED to put it in J.’s head: my staying at home and homeschooling my kids is “wrong.” Even though we both agreed this was how it would go when I was pregnant with O. You are jealous that you aren’t getting that time to watch my kids (really just O.), and you’re mad you didn’t think about or get to do those things with your kids. I enjoy taking my kids to the store and places like that. They’re well-behaved kids, and I LOVE being with them. I do not need a break from them. I want as much time as possible because it goes by so fast. I don’t want to miss or regret things. Through the years, you’ve made it VERY clear that you do not care about our time, memories, and traditions. All that you care about is us being a part of yours. It becomes very stressful because when you do not get what you want, you cry, whine, and become cruel. You’re constantly questioning, “What about me?” You cannot seem to fathom how selfish that is. I am sorry if everyone else has accommodated you for your entire life. Still, we REFUSE to WASTE time pleasing you and fulfilling your needs/wants. You tell J., “Life’s too short” or “You never know when I will die,” because you expect us to give you all of the attention. You do not have any compassion or understanding to think back and remember what it was like for you. You regret quite a bit and just expected us to freely give you our kids so you could redo/do it over. That isn’t fair, and I REFUSE to regret anything else like you do. I already regret so much because you took a lot from me/were a part of a lot when O. was little. That also means that I REFUSE to give you my kids to do whatever you want with them. You DO NOT even care about J. There’ve been SO many times you’ve had to have a get-together or whine about when you will see O. again. If he tells you he is busy with work or wants to spend time with just us, you DO NOT care. Furthermore, you’ve repeatedly said, “What about ME?” It is simply NEVER about you, but you’re too cocky to see that. You want whatever time you can get, even if we disagree, which is how it has been since the beginning. J. married me, and the kids are J. and my kids. This means you DO NOT come first, second, third, fourth, or even fifth! It is not about you, and it will never be. You like to say things to J. that outright claim he owes you all because you “gave him everything.” Raising kids is what EVERY parent is SUPPOSED to do. You didn’t do anything special by raising your kids. Your kids DO NOT owe you because you raised them and “gave them everything.” If you think that, you’re not a good or healthy parent. J. does not owe you his time, attention, love, OR kids. 

The other frustrating thing is how you use people, sicknesses, deaths, events you KNOW J. would love, and whatever else you can come up with to get your way/get a visit. If it is not a made-up “celebration dinner,” then it is forcing N. and D. to spend hours at your house on their honeymoon (and why we refused to come and enable that). It is also you being the go-between with your family and Ji.’s family, so you can weed out and CHOOSE what you tell and don’t tell us. That is because you want to ensure you get your way and keep everyone under your control. The same goes for gifts. You’ve (too many times) told your and Ji.’s family to send YOU gifts for us so that you can control how and when we receive them. It has been your way to get us over to your house. You will hold the gifts and tell us, “You must come here if you want them.” Then, there’s your mom’s gifts. She could easily send my kids a gift card or mail them herself, but she allows YOU to control them every single time so you can get more visits out of it. Also, bringing her gifts unannounced is STILL showing me that you DO NOT care or respect us and our time. It doesn’t matter if J. was in the garage and you think we are doing nothing. It only makes me back us away even more. You want to know why I was so upset that day, but come on. You KNOW the EXACT reason why I was upset. I am sure you loved it because it allowed you to play the victim some more and make me out to be the bad guy even more than you already have. Texting J. that he can come to you whenever/you are here for him blah blah blah is genuinely disgusting. He isn’t coming to you and telling you I am awful. He isn’t telling you I am keeping him away from you. He isn’t going to say he wants to divorce me or any other thing you want him to tell you. I am NOT doing anything to make him unhappy. It is ridiculous what comes out of your mouth and the things you assume about me all because you have never liked me. I could go as far as to say I think you hate me due to singling me out, lying about me, blaming me for everything, and leaving me out while everyone else is included. 

One other thing I will add here of what you USE to TRY and get your way is when you use Ji. You use him A LOT to make J. feel bad and agree to do what you want him to do. You will bring up how he is “mad too,” even once you threatened he would “blow up one day, and you will find out.” OMG. Ji. doesn’t care. If he genuinely cared, then he would make the effort with J. You also leave Ji. out of many conversations; don’t tell him when we have invited you over so you can twist it and get us to your house. I am sure you have lied to him about many things to make him stick by your side. You love to tell J. what he “needs” to do with Ji., trying to force him to the movies or car shows so you can sneakily show up and get time with O. Ji. would ask J. if he genuinely wanted to do things with him. He doesn’t want to do anything, and you push relationships like always. The main thing is you use Ji. a lot because you know that J. will feel bad and normally agree to doing things if it has to do with his dad AND/OR especially if vehicles are involved. I am going to say this right now. Ji. DOES NOT care. J. has been the ONLY ONE to make the effort through the years. So many times, he has tried calling his dad, texting his dad, and even inviting his dad to car shows. Guess what has happened? Ji. either ignores him, makes excuses, gives one-word texts, demands photos of O./steers the conversation to being about O., or makes weird excuses as to why he can’t go to a car show/good guys with him. It is always something that shows he couldn’t care less. Ji. has changed through the years, and I KNOW it is because you are in his ear. We have realized that everyone around you, your family/friends, and Ji.’s family has changed how they treat us because of you and your lies. Ji. used to be so understanding about our time and even said it was easier for you guys to come to us than us to you. I don’t think he has truly ever made the effort with J. Ji. has only talked to J. through the years because they’re both interested in cars. Stop using Ji. when you want J. to do something, ALL to get YOUR way. It isn’t going to work like you expect it to. 

*Photos

Your obsession with photos is entirely unhealthy. You’re never in the moment and constantly shoving a camera in the kids’ faces while forcing them to stop playing so you can pose them. You always want photos of ONLY you with the kids, like you’re the mom. You’ve even gone as far as to buy them outfits to match yours and then demanding Christmas photos of only you with them. I remember that being the first time I could host a Christmas. You were taking over and doing what YOU wanted while not thinking about the ACTUAL moms (or even their dads) getting photos with their kids. That year, I already knew you were throwing fits that I was able to host, and you weren’t. So you felt entitled to take over my hosting and do things you wanted.

Another instance was during one of O.’s birthday parties. You were obsessed with gathering all the grandkids up the entire time, putting them on your lap to take photos. It was O.’s party. A party that I worked hard to decorate for and arrange, but you felt it should be all about your time getting the photos you wanted out of it. You approached me when I tried gathering people to do our traditional Polaroid photos. You snapped, “I was NOT done taking MY photos with the grandkids.” You wanted everyone to stop what they were doing at MY daughter’s party, and they did. They went over and let you finish your photos. You wonder why I stopped having parties. 

ANOTHER primary example is one of the times I wanted to email you and explain things. Instead, you cornered me in my kitchen and demanded I tell you ASAP. I didn’t get to explain things then, so I will NOW. It was the time you invited O. and me to the breast cancer walk. I VERY nicely agreed, even though it wasn’t usually something we would do. I decided to post some photos to Instagram, which I had set up to automatically post to Facebook. I told myself I would post an album and tag you when I got home. I tried to post that album repeatedly that evening, but Facebook was glitching. I wanted to enjoy my evening, so I would try again the next day. I didn’t even get that chance when, that same evening, you decided to text and be mean to me. “it is so nice that you couldn’t tag me in photos.” WOW, I see what you thought, and the only thing you were concerned with! You wanted everyone to know we were at that event because of YOU! You wanted all of the credit. You assumed I wouldn’t tag you, and the sad part is it wasn’t the first/only time you would assume and  judge me. Since you wanted to be mean and arrogant towards me, I didn’t try to post the album the next day. Everyone who cared about us knew we were with you anyway.

When you DID have Facebook, you would flip out and attack me if I didn’t show you photos of O. FIRST. You have constantly reminded me of the character Verruca Salt from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. “I want it NOW!” You act like a child throwing fits when they do not get their way while crying and stomping your feet. It is a HUGE turn-off to want to be around/be nice to someone when they’re NEVER happy with what they do get, AND that was even back when I was sharing SO MANY photos with you! You would also look at pictures, and if you saw O. and I doing things, you would demand that you do them with O., too. Like, when you saw O. and I were at Tumbleweed Park (because that was where workout classes were held). You demanded we go with you too. We were nice enough to let you watch O. play at the park, but two hours in, we were tired and O. was getting sunburnt, so we said it was time to go. You threw a fit that you weren’t finished yet. You whined that you had PLANNED on us spending HOURS at the park! WHAT?! The same thing happened when you whined it wasn’t enough time at the zoo even though we had been there for at least 8 hours. You wanted us to stay longer because you wanted to do all the things YOU had planned for us to do. You are NOT entitled to any time with my kids because when we do, VERY GRACIOUSLY give that time, you can’t be happy! 

You have thousands of photos, and it is NOT an exaggeration either. Even though you have so many photos, it will NEVER be enough because you always want more and more. You will make ANY excuse you can come up with (like that you need new photos for calendar gifts) or just demand them. You have also claimed pictures are for when your “memory goes bad.” That doesn’t mean you need thousands; photos will not help if your memory fades. The memory thing is a hypothetical excuse to get sympathy and more photos. Then, all your house is covered with (besides kid stuff and a kid room) are photos of the grandkids. You have replaced your sons’ pictures with photos of the grandkids. I don’t care and don’t want pictures of me in your house anyway when you do not like me. You made it clear you were mad we didn’t put photos of you in our house/on our fridge, and I am sure you took down pictures of J. and me to retaliate. You once had a wall appliqué on your living room wall that was a “family tree,” but the only photos on that tree were of you, Ji., and….shocker…..the grandkids! From the placemats to the pictures around your house, it is apparent that you have a horribly unhealthy obsession with the grandkids.