Something that’s always been apparent (besides thinking you’re the head matriarch) is that you feel your house is the ONLY visiting spot allowed. You think it is where all of the holidays and get-togethers should be spent. You’ve thrown fits and whined about the VERY LITTLE amount I have been able to host. Christmas is my favorite holiday and a time I have always dreamed of hosting. I enjoy decorating and entertaining, but I have ONLY been able to do that twice (2016 and 2019). I don’t care if you don’t like our house because it is small, old, or because we do not own it. The fact of the matter is you have made it known you should host every single thing. You have been able to get both big and small holidays for YEARS and YEARS, but then whined if I wanted to host. When we tried to take that time (the small amount we did), you demanded that you be “put in the rotation.” Not only that, you called dibs a YEAR early! It is common throughout the years for you to call dibs 6 months or more so that no one else can have a chance to do things. You would do that A LOT when you felt entitled to do things with O. Initially, you manipulated J. into thinking you would get it all because you asked first. You have made your kids think it is your “thing” and that we should step back and let you have it. And we did for YEARS and YEARS!!! We have done what you wanted for years, but it didn’t matter and was NEVER enough for you. I wouldn’t stand for it anymore; it is ONLY ONE reason we won’t be coming to your house anymore. 

Regarding holidays, we spent TOO many Halloweens driving to your house. Your excuse was always, “I have to pass out candy and can’t leave.” I wanted time in OUR neighborhood. Halloween is the kids’ and my other favorite holiday besides Christmas. We love to choose our costumes months ahead and go all out. Halloween shouldn’t be a big show for the grandparents. So, we were finally able to trick or treat in our area (with you still asking to come over and be a part of it), and then eventually, we had the holiday to ourselves. Other holidays you have been able to control are Mother’s and Father’s Day. We were at YOUR house on our first and second Mother’s and Father’s Day. You feel entitled to those days and see yourself as O.’s “mom” and the “head matriarch.” When you have a little family, the focus shifts and it shouldn’t be about the grandparents. There IS a grandparent’s holiday, but I know you have never mentioned it because you feel Mother’s Day should be about YOU. You have even had other big and small holidays like Thanksgiving, Easter, Labor Day, and Memorial Day. SO MANY holidays and weekends were spent at YOUR house doing what YOU wanted us to do. If we came to your house, you would drag it out, so we would have to stay 4-10 hours!!! We have NEVER ONCE been to your house for less than 4 hours. You demanded as much of our time as you could squeeze out of us. The biggest reason the kids and I won’t be coming to your house again is how much you have disrespected me. You think that because we are at YOUR house, it gives you the right to do or get away with whatever you want. When we are at your house, you ALSO have hours planned out. You will devise excuses or do things intentionally, so we must stay MUCH longer. You used to make the guys head to the store and buy something you “forgot” for dinner to drag it out. You would make us wait an hour before dessert. 

Even when J. was away on a work trip, you always thought that was your chance to get O. and me to your house. I always felt that if J. was away, O. and I should spend that time taking a break from people and doing our own thing. Still, you demanded we get together with you. You would PUSH and PUSH me until I would say yes. You would bring it up over and over before J. left if I would even hesitate. If you knew J. was going out of town, you would wait until we saw you by making the excuse you needed to see J./us before he left. You would then make sure J. was within earshot and ask me if we would come over to visit when J. was away. Your big thing is putting us on the spot, so we do not have time to think. As I said, I was nice back then and didn’t want to be mean. When I used to be put on the spot, I would get anxious and end up agreeing to things because I didn’t want to be mean. Except, now I KNOW I am NOT a mean person for saying no to you if I do not want to do something. You even once invited O. and me over and had HOURS planned out. You told me you wanted to spend HOURS at the park by your house, then go out to eat, then come back to hang out at your home. It was a Friday night, and I declined because I wouldn’t spend hours at your house and then have to drive back to our house in the dark when J. wasn’t in the country. You lied and claimed you had to work when I asked if you would come to our house instead.

During the holidays or get-togethers at your house, and when we DID want to leave after being there for hours, you would whine and give us excuses that you still had more for us to do. I do not know about you, but it is exhausting when a person has to be in control of every second when we are with them. They cannot sit back and enjoy what time they get. They push and whine for more and more and DO NOT care how anyone else feels! Who wants to deal with or be around that? The funny thing is you would like us to spend HOURS at your house, but when you came to ours, we didn’t force you to stay for hours. You would CHOOSE to stay 45 minutes-an hour and then be okay with that. It is why I know it has always been about YOU and YOUR house. 

Now, because of how you have treated us and demanded it all to be at your house. No one wants to get together with you when it is ONLY going to be your way. No one wants to get together when you throw fits and cannot “share” the hosting. You cannot just let us younger moms with kids still living at home take over the hosting as it should be. Sadly, those days are over, though, and we have no more chances to host. You tried squeezing your way back into the hosting game this Christmas. You wanted to force us to come to YOUR house when J. never agreed to come over. The ONLY reason you bought gifts was because you THOUGHT we would be coming over! I know you TOO well. I understand that this letter isn’t going to do anything to change your mind. You will keep pushing for us to come over and for you to get your way because we have already TRIED to talk to you many times, and you refuse to listen. If it was about giving gifts because you care, then you would have dropped off YOUR gifts when you dropped off your mom’s, mailed them, or anything! Like, my mom gave ME money for Christmas for my kids. She didn’t have to be there to EVEN see them get the money! She didn’t have to be there when they shopped with the money! It shows me you still don’t get it and will continue doing whatever you can to get your way. 

It has also been very frustrating that when I HAVE been able to host a holiday or when you have “HAD” to come over to our house for get-togethers, you STILL try and get us to YOUR house to do those same things. An example would be giving J. his birthday gift early when visiting our house. Then, telling him, “Now, just because you got your gift early doesn’t mean you won’t see me next month.” Then, when you used to demand photoshoots be YOUR thing, O. and I would pack everything up (you’d order me what I needed to bring) to come to YOUR house. That is another example of how nice I have been and how much I have allowed you to do. It was so nice of me to come over and let you take photos of my daughter! The ONE time I asked if you would come to our house to take photos, you argued with me repeatedly. You kept telling me our lighting was “bad.” I kept telling you it is perfect when you open the curtains because I have taken many photos in my house. You wouldn’t stop, but I refused to let up. If you wanted to take pictures, you could do it MY way for once. You could be the one to bring things over (really, all you had to bring was yourself and a camera when I had to gather up and bring so much more). When you finally agreed to come over and after you saw and admitted the lighting was good, you immediately had to add, “Now, you are still going to have to come over to MY house so I can take more photos.” NO! That was the moment I stopped allowing you to have “photoshoots.” If you want to be demanding of us having to come to your house every time, and our house not being enough, then that is it. You wonder why we haven’t been over in “years,” and this is ONE of the main reasons why. You are too focused in every visit being at YOUR house. The main thing is that no matter how many times we have asked you to come to our house or anywhere else, you ALWAYS twist it around to TRY and get us to come over to your house. Who wants to deal with someone when there are ALWAYS stipulations? 

Another big one that goes along with all of that is anytime we have ALLOWED you to come over, you always pack a HUGE bag of things that you EXPECT to do with O. ALONE. It is always about you doing things that moms and dads should do. You demand to read books while O. has had to sit on your lap, you bring games, and if you’ve played games with O., you make me stand off to the side while you enjoy that time with MY kid. You will EVEN bring CRAFTS so that you can force her to make art (especially handprints) to take home with you. Those are things that a PARENT would do with their OWN kid and then choose to give it to a grandparent. My grandma NEVER forced me to do crafts so she could take them for herself. If I did anything, I would willingly give it to her on Grandparent’s Day, but it was rare because she didn’t expect those things anyway. O. and I gave you her handprints on a canvas bag, BUT it has never been good enough for you. You’d bring everything over and get O.’s handprints, and then any bad handprints you would throw at me to keep while you kept all of the nice ones. You also have to bring gifts and snacks for the kids ONLY. If you’ve asked what you can bring when we have hosted something and we tell you we do not need you to bring anything, you will whine about how you wanted to bring the KIDS a dessert. This means you didn’t care if we wanted you to get anything. Your mind was set on the kids and what you wanted to give them. It is always about the kids. ALL you think about is the kids and what you can provide/do with them. It’s mainly about you wanting to bring a bag of things to MY house, which has always been frustrating. Instead of not expecting anything to go your way, just relaxing and enjoying your time, you are never in the moment and want to make sure you ONLY get in all of the things you brought and had plans to do. All while I am having to stand off to the side.

One instance I will add about your disrespect of our home (besides the fact you walk around my house to ask if this or that is new and keep your shoes on to completely stain and soil my new rugs) is when you visited one day on a random day. You would do this often. You whispered in O.’s ear when I wasn’t paying attention (and why I am always stressed and having to be alert around you). You would tell her to go get a game so you could play with her or try to force her to ask me if she could do things with you. This day, you whispered and asked O. to pick out a game that only you two could play together. I didn’t realize until it was already too late. O. picked a game we had JUST purchased and would play together. It was a Star Wars game, and we love Star Wars. I am sure you do not. Anyway, you had it all out, and there I was again, standing off to the side. Suddenly, you had your phone and were blasting a song in our house. O. told you she didn’t like the music, and you said, “Well, I do,” while continuing to blast it. Me being TOO nice, I didn’t say anything to you, and you eventually turned it off. Like any other time, you felt that because it was your “SON’S” house (and you think he is only an extension of you), you could do whatever you wanted. After all, it isn’t my house if I don’t make the money in your eyes, right? If I came over and walked around on your floors, staining your carpets and blasting Metallica or George Strait in your house, you wouldn’t like it, and you would tell me to stop. 

The bottom line is that you SHOULD be giving us the space we deserve and need. Stop making it all about you being jealous and a bully. That is NOT God-like AT ALL. This is our little family to make our own memories and traditions. It is NOT about us circling around you to conform to what YOU want. This is OUR time to raise our kids the way we see it should be. You had your time; you SHOULD be stepping back. This should be your time to focus on the season you are in, where your kids are grown, and where you should focus on your own things or your marriage. You SHOULD HAVE ALWAYS been leaving us alone to be the intelligent and independent family that we are. We are NOT your family like you think. You always complain that “I miss my family” or “I want my family back.” If you haven’t noticed, your kids are grown and have their OWN families they’re putting first. You ARE NOT the focus anymore! That is not me trying to be mean. These are facts. This is how it should be. 

Also, if you TRULY cared about Jeremy (yes, he has a name, and it isn’t “son” because his primary role is NOT being your kid/you the mom), then you would stop running to him to cry and complain all the time about what we aren’t doing for you. You wouldn’t run to him to blame me for everything. If you cared about Jeremy, you wouldn’t spread awful lies and say mean things about me, HIS WIFE. He CHOSE to marry me, and you should have been happy and accepting of how different I am, but you have never been. If you cared about Jeremy, you would NOT constantly try to make him feel bad. You would CARE to know how he is. If you cared about Jeremy, you wouldn’t insinuate that I am making him “unhappy” and claiming I am forcing him to work more because I stay home. That has NEVER been the case. The main point is that you think it is “all” my fault. Jeremy has told me everything you have said about me. You have even told him not to tell me things, but he has. He has told me MANY times that you have whined, “It’s all Heather’s fault.” No, it is YOUR fault. You’ve always had people around you who put up with you and they allowed you to get your way. That would be an enabler. When I came along, that changed because I know your type, and GOD has helped me to become stronger through the years. GOD has shown me that the way you treat me and my family should NEVER be accepted or tolerated. You cannot stand that I am stronger, won’t put up with your actions/behaviors, and am much different than you. That is why you have always retaliated and done things to try and hurt me. 

I have realized through the years that you’re VERY fake. You will say things to seem caring or understanding but then show that you never actually cared. It was only a sneaky attempt to be all about YOU. You sent me an email a month before our wedding (which the wedding planning and wedding would have to be a separate email because of all you did to me then, by trying to push what you thought my wedding should have, lying and telling everyone I wouldn’t let you help, etc.). The email had to do with making our own traditions and memories apart from our family of origin. One part of the email said, “Once married, our hearts need to shift from our family of origin to our new family. The family we’ve created with our husbands becomes our central relationship. One way to honor this shift in relationships is to embrace new customs, habits, and traditions.” But you obviously didn’t read the email. I have ALWAYS been baffled about why you sent it to me. You even added at the beginning of the email, “I pray I will be understanding and supportive as you two “become one” and decide on your traditions as a new family.” If you must pray to be understanding and supportive, that says a lot. It tells me that you DO NOT want to step back, be supportive or understanding. You just expected me to come in, step back, and agree to do everything YOUR way. The email was meant for me to feel bad and want to do all of the traditions you had been doing. You didn’t want to change your ways. The email also said, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and shall become united and cleave to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” Genesis 2:24. You have always made sure to press the verse “honor your father and mother” into Jeremy’s brain instead of this verse. The father and mother verse has never meant to honor parents when they aren’t respecting us and our wishes. Even before you sent this email, I KNEW that I was GOING to have many problems with you and the role you thought you had in our lives. You’ve never once stepped back, understood, or given us space with our traditions and memories. You have pushed SO HARD to make all of YOUR traditions front and center. Demanding O. and I do a cookie baking tradition with you, putting up stockings and having Santa bags at your house to make it seem we lived there, trying to push your DILs to only be interested in the things YOU were interested in, trying to take away any memories/traditions I may want with MY daughter and there are so many more instances. Even trying to make us do once-a-month dinners at your house and wreath making a tradition. Pushing what YOU thought should happen instead of allowing us to make our traditions and memories. EVEN saving everything from J.’s childhood to redo those things with our kids. EVEN wanting to buy/give the SAME types of big toys to O. at the SAME ages/holidays/birthdays you gave to J. You haven’t been understanding OR supportive EVER. Sending emails like this one, or even the grandparents’ and in-laws’, say nothing OTHER THAN you’re trying to act oblivious to what the issue has been. It has been YOU feeling entitled to ALL of our time and NEVER caring how WE feel! I know you don’t care how I feel and never have, but you should care how J. and the kids feel about your actions through the years. If you ACTUALLY wanted to see BOTH of my kids, then you wouldn’t act the way you have been and wouldn’t treat us the way you have been! Do you realize if you weren’t pushy, selfish, demanding, and mean and had just stepped back and given us space while ACTUALLY caring about all of us, you would probably get to be around us right now?! But that has never been the case, and I know it never will be. If you haven’t changed and have only become worse in the 15 years I have been with J., then there is a VERY high chance you never will. That ONLY means you won’t be around the kids and me. As I have said, I will NOT force J. to stay away from you because I DO NOT control him. However, I will keep my kids and me from you, as I stated at the beginning. I can see you pushing harder to get your way and whining/trying to manipulate J. even more. You might even run and tattle to him about how “mean” this letter is like you have done so many times. That ONLY means I will fight even HARDER to keep you away from the kids and me. I do not think you realize how strong I am and how far I will go to protect my kids from you and your behaviors/actions. You don’t see it this way, but you are VERY unstable, and your emotions have always been all over the place. You have also admitted to driving by our house all of the time, picking things in our area to eat or shop at (when you have the same places by you) all to have a visit excuse, and telling Olivia over and over, “I want to kidnap you.” That and SO MUCH more tell me you aren’t a safe person to be around. 

There are SO many more examples that I would love to bring up because, as I have said, this has been 15 years of one thing after the next. 15 years of you stressing us out. 15 years of you making me anxious and sick. 15 years of you being the most selfish person I have EVER met. I have already added more than enough for you to see where I am coming from. I know you won’t see where I am coming from, but at least I can finally say what I wanted. I know you won’t care and will continue to do the SAME cycles because it is what you have always done (you KNOW what you are doing and you aren’t oblivious to any of it). That’s okay, though. I will continue to keep my kids and me away from you. 

H.